I call a wrong number. A guy on the other end says, "Well, what number did you dial?" "Well, did it ring at your house? Then I guess it's yours, Mr. Wizard!"

They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?

They try to humiliate you in the hospital. They make you pee in a bottle. I hate that. I was in the hospital. The nurse said, "You have to pee in a bottle." When she left I poured Mountain Dew in there. She came back and I chugged it. She was puking for days. It's a sick world and I'm a happy guy!

We have two cats. They're my wife's cats, Mischa and Alex. You can tell a woman names a cat like this. Women always have sensitive names: Muffy, Fluffy, Buffy. Guys name cats things like Tuna Breath, Fur Face, Meow Head. They're nice cats. They've been neutered and they've been declawed. So they're like pillows that eat.

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