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Thinkers and Jokers
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
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#1 score: 1.560

I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone's right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need. I wished to come here and say that I am a man who does not exist for others.
category: literature (modern) | comment





#2 score: 1.177

John Alejandro King Barry Commoner said "Nothing ever goes away." ... Whatever happened to that guy?

category: humor | comment | added 6 weeks ago





#3 score: 1.147

John Alejandro King What time isn't it?

category: humor | comment | added 9 weeks ago





#4 score: 0.992

Herbert Spencer A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance.

category: philosophy | comment





#5 score: 0.991

Jack Handey The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

category: humor | comment





#6 score: 0.991

Jack Handey Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

category: humor | comment





#7 score: 0.991

Jack Handey My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

category: humor | comment





#8 score: 0.991

Jack Handey Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

category: humor | comment





#9 score: 0.991

Jack Handey Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

category: humor | comment





#10 score: 0.991

Jack Handey Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

category: humor | comment





#11 score: 0.991

Jack Handey I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

category: humor | comment





#12 score: 0.991

Jack Handey I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.

category: humor | comment





#13 score: 0.931

A Russian official came up to a factory worker and said, "If you drank a shot of vodka, could you still work?" The worker said, "I think I could." The official said, "If you drank two shots of vodka, could you work?" The worker said, "I think I could." Then the Russian official said, "If you drank five shots of vodka, could you work?" And the worker said, "Well, I'm here, aren't I?"
category: comedy | comment





#14 score: 0.923

William Shakespeare O, who can hold a fire in his hand By thinking on the frosty Caucasus? Or cloy the hungry edge of appetite By bare imagination of a feast? Or wallow naked in December snow By thinking on fantastic summer's heat? O, no! the apprehension of the good Gives but the greater feeling to the worse.

category: literature (classic) | comment





#15 score: 0.851

Lord Byron I see before me the gladiator lie.

category: poetry | comment





#16 score: 0.820

The egoist in the absolute sense is not the man who sacrifices others. He is the man who stands above the need of using others in any manner. He does not function through them. He is not concerned with them in any primary matter. Not in his aim, not in his motive, not in his thinking, not in his desires, not in the source of his energy. He does not exist for any other man -- and he asks no other man to exist for him. This is the only form of brotherhood and mutual respect possible between men.
category: literature (modern) | comment





#17 score: 0.813

"Curse these personal computers!" cried the novice in anger, "To make them do anything I must use three or even four editing programs. This is truly intolerable!" The master programmer stared at the novice. "And what would you do to remedy this state of affairs?" he asked. The novice thought for a moment. "I will design a new editing program," he said, "a program that will replace all these others." Suddenly the master struck the novice on the side of his head. "What did you do that for?" exclaimed the surprised novice. "I have no wish to learn another editing program," said the master. And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
category: computers | comment





#18 score: 0.802

The choice is not self-sacrifice or domination. The choice is independence or dependence. The code of the creator or the code of the second-hander. This is the basic issue. It rests upon the alternative of life or death. The code of the creator is built on the needs of a reasoning mind which allows man to survive. The code of the second-hander is built on the needs of a mind incapable of survival. All that which proceeds from man's independent ego is good. All that which proceeds from man's dependence upon men is evil.
category: literature (modern) | comment





#19 score: 0.802

Man cannot survive except through his mind. He comes on this earth unarmed. His brain is his only weapon. Animals obtain food by force. Man has no claws, no fangs, no horns, no great strength of muscle. He must plant his food or hunt it. To plant, he needs a process of thought. To hunt, he needs weapons, and to make weapons -- a process of thought. >From this simplest necessity to the highest religious abstraction, from the wheel to the skyscraper, everything we are and everything we have comes from a single attribute of man -- the function of his reasoning mind.
category: literature (modern) | comment





#20 score: 0.802

It had to be said: the world is perishing from an orgy of self-sacrifice.
category: literature (modern) | comment





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