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#1 score: 1.628

Every day, brainwashing 'til you don't know the difference between right and wrong, family and a fake family, real science and morons who are on drugs inventing science -- science fiction, that is. You don't know anything anymore in this country. You've been brainwashed by the liberal elite -- the establishment -- if you want to call them elite. How can you call drug addicts elite?

Michael Savage

category: politics | comment | added 9 months ago

#2 score: 1.628

Then there's the story of college students who are fasting out here in the Bay Area. They're illegal aliens and they want green cards simply because they're students. I don't understand what -- how this two and two adds up. I would say, let them fast until they starve to death, then that solves the problem. Because then we won't have a problem about giving them green cards because they're illegal aliens; they don't belong here to begin with. They broke into the country; they're criminals. Why do I owe them a green card? Because they're going to my colleges for free?

Michael Savage

category: politics | comment | added 9 months ago

#3 score: 1.595

Twenty-nine percent of all inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens. No, Mr. Bush, they do not all come here to work, they do not all come here to work. They come here to work the system, sell drugs, rape, and kill on contract. Don't lie to us.

Michael Savage

category: politics | comment | added 9 months ago

#4 score: 0.988

What we call rational grounds for our beliefs are often extremely irrational attempts to justify our instincts.

Thomas H. Huxley, "On the Natural Inequality of Man," 1890

category: science | comment | added 34 months ago

#5 score: 0.988

I have said that the man of science is the sworn interpreter of nature in the high court of reason. But of what avail is his honest speech, if ignorance is the assessor of the judge, and prejudice the foreman of the jury? ... And there is a wonderful tenacity of life about this sort of opposition to physical science. Crushed and maimed in every battle, it yet seems never to be slain; and after a hundred defeats it is at this day as rampant, though happily not so mischievous, as in the time of Galileo.

Thomas Henry Huxley, 1860

category: science | comment | added 33 months ago

#6 score: 0.981

And finally, New Rule: Traitors don't get to question my patriotism. What could be less patriotic than constantly screwing things up for America? You know, it's literally hard to keep up with the sheer volume of scandals in the Bush Administration. Which is why I like to download the latest scandal right onto my iPod. That way, I can catch up on this week's giant fuck-up on my drive in to work. In fact, Bush has so many scandals, he could open a chain of "Bush Scandal and Fuck-up" theme restaurants. "Ooh, should I get the Harriet Miers meatloaf or the Katrina crab cakes?

You know, not to generalize, but the 29% of people who still support President Bush are the ones who love to pronounce themselves more patriotic than the rest of us. But just saying you're patriotic is like saying you have a big cock. If you have to say it, chances are it's not true.

And, indeed, the party that flatters itself that they protect America better is the party that has exhausted the military, left the ports wide open and purposefully outed a CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

That's not treason anymore? Outing a spy? Did I mention it was one of our spies? And how despicable that Bush's lackeys attempted to diminish this crime by belittling her service, like she was just some chick who hung around the CIA. "An intern, really. Groupie, if you want to be mean about it."

Bill Maher, March 23, 2007

video | category: comedy | comment | added 41 months ago | Full transcript

#7 score: 0.979

O, who can hold a fire in his hand By thinking on the frosty Caucasus? Or cloy the hungry edge of appetite By bare imagination of a feast? Or wallow naked in December snow By thinking on fantastic summer's heat? O, no! the apprehension of the good Gives but the greater feeling to the worse.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
Act i, Sc. 3

category: literature (classic) | comment

#8 score: 0.978

Everybody in this room is wearing a uniform, so don't kid yourself...

Frank Zappa

category: music | comment

#9 score: 0.968

A novice went into the master's cubicle and saw a new computer sitting upon the master's desk. "What is that computer?" asked the novice. The master placed his hand upon a small box that was connected to the computer by a wire. "Behold," said the master, "This device controls what we see on the screen. The screen simulates a desk. For example, here is a filing cabinet and a trash depository. Here also is a typewriter and a calculator." "This is a wonderful invention," whispered the novice in awe. "It is not as wonderful as it seems," said the master. "Can you see the two desks?" The novice nodded. "One is on the floor, the other is on the screen," he remarked. "Just so. Now, is there something missing on one of the two desks?" The novice pondered for a moment. "One of the desks does not have a computer on it," he said. The master shook his head. "Neither of the desks has a computer on it."

The Zen of Programming

category: computers | comment

#10 score: 0.954

Dwindle, peak, and pine.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
Act i, Sc. 3

category: literature (classic) | comment

#11 score: 0.918

Parsley is gharsley.

Odgen Nash (1902-1971)

category: poetry | comment

#12 score: 0.866

Her beauty makes This vault a feasting presence full of light.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
Act v, Sc. 3

category: literature (classic) | comment

#13 score: 0.864

A lady lost her cat, and took the cat in a little casket up to a big church and said, "I want you to bury my cat." And they run her off. She went to another church, and they run her off. She took the cat to a Baptist church on the edge of town, and told the preacher she couldn't find nobody to hold a service for her dead cat. And the man talked to her bad. "How dare you think that we bury cats?" She said, "Well, I'm frustrated and I'm prepared to give two thousand dollars to whoever gives a service for my cat." And the preacher said, "Lady, why didn't you tell me your cat was a Baptist?"

Jerry Clower

comment

#14 score: 0.864

There's nothing funny about a funeral. Except in the South ... Southerners are naturally humorous. The funeral procession started by and everybody got quiet, put their hand over their heart, and I whispered to this ol' boy, "Who died?" He said, "The one in the first car."

Jerry Clower

comment

#15 score: 0.843

It was a little town--when I was a kid we used to play Monopoly on it.

Donna Jean Young

category: comedy | comment

#16 score: 0.843

It's such a little town our radio station can't identify itself. It's off the air now. Somebody tripped over the tower.

Donna Jean Young

category: comedy | comment

#17 score: 0.843

He owned the biggest brussels sprout farm in East McKeesport. Well, he didn't start out to have the biggest brussels sprout farm. It's just that his cabbages never made it.

Donna Jean Young

category: comedy | comment

#18 score: 0.835

MTV, Music Television, is putting actual music videos back on their network. If it works, Fox News said they'll start doing actual news again.

Craig Ferguson, March 30, 2009

category: comedy | comment | added 16 months ago

#19 score: 0.835

Oprah’s announced that she’s quitting her show in 2011. Now you know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.

Once Oprah leaves her show, the most powerful woman on TV will be Ryan Seacrest.

There was also news about Dr. Phil’s show: Unfortunately, he’s going to keep going.

Craig Ferguson, November 20, 2009

category: comedy | comment | added 9 months ago

#20 score: 0.805

James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.

Craig Ferguson, March 24, 2010

category: comedy | comment | added 5 months ago

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